Holding my tongue

I was going to write about Twitter. I’m not going to do that just yet. I’ve only been on there six weeks or so and I haven’t quite got the hang of it. I think everyone has muted me anyway (I don’t blame you).

Instead, what I’m going to write about is subtext. Most of my bad writing habits are due to the constant, incessant inclusion of cryptic words and ulterior motives. I want to see if you can understand exactly what I’m saying without me actually saying it directly, and I want to know what you read into it instead when the message gets lost in translation. I like hiding things in plain sight, so these messages get thrown in to random pieces of work and I just wait until they get discovered.

What I’ve noticed about this is that people really like being written about. Whenever someone I’m involved with has found out that I keep a blog, they always ask or check to see if I’m writing about them. I’m not one for publicly divulging intimate details when I can make up something better instead, so they tended to read whatever they wanted into the most obscure parts and think that I had written something beautiful for them. They never asked. They just assumed.

It’s not just blogs, though. My last boyfriend would read over my shoulder while I was scribbling in notebooks. And the last boyfriend I had when I lived in Norfolk wrote to me once I moved up to Newcastle (I have no idea how he got my address) to tell me that he’d had to help clear out the stuff I’d left behind when I ran away and he’d pulled my old journals out of the bin. He wrote to me to tell me he had never read anything so poetic in his life and he was lost in wonder by the things I had written for him.

I’ve never really told anyone this because it’s a bit weird but I used to write down lyrics I loved in notebooks and read them through when I felt miserable. I’m glad my ex-boyfriend likes Teenage Fanclub as much as I do.

And Fall Out Boy.
Imagine thinking a Fall Out Boy song was written about you because you pulled your crazy ex-girlfriend’s journals out of the bin.

Now you know why I haven’t had a blog for a while. There are so many things wrong with that scenario.

Anyway. What I’m trying to say is that I really want to be more straightforward and sincere this time. I don’t want to throw words around, hoping that a particular person reading it will understand what thoughts I’m really having about them. I don’t want to keep thinking up sentences and then disassembling them so that I can restructure them in confusing ways and hide the real things I’m thinking within words I’m allowed to say aloud.

It’s difficult though. Everyone likes a secret, and everyone who matters will always wonder if I’m writing about them.

10 thoughts on “Holding my tongue

    1. I’m fairly anonymous on here, and no one in real life knows about my blog. I am doing it for me right now – I just needed to write again! Thank you for taking the time to read it 🙂

  1. Our world has turned in to disconnected pieces of one liners and we label that communication…as we connect to disconnect all that is left is the written word. Say as much as you can with the least amount of words. It’s an art lost to most appreciated by fewer… 🙂

    1. I agree, although I find it amazing how society has adapted to a different way of communicating and relating – even if it is superficial. And I do try to do that; I try to keep sentences fairly short and straightforward. I just write a lot of them. Lots and lots. I’ll have to practice more 🙂

      1. I believe this new evolution of communication disconnects in the name of ‘connecting’. We need social interaction with people to toss ideas, unwind thoughts, fight, and de-stress. It is how we cope, learn and survive. With all of these connections we are so isolated that its like a prison that you’re happy to be in… The youth these days are so depressed and they don’t know…why

        1. It’s definitely an overload. And there’s so much pressure to be ‘on’ all the time. But I think people have different ways of dealing with it all, and – let’s face it – the youth have always been depressed. Even when I was a kid, I’d hear ‘Why are you so miserable? We didn’t have any of what you have when I was young’ and it just repeats itself for each generation, forever. But I totally agree, it does disconnect. And it’s kind of weird to witness those changes in such a relatively short space of time!

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