Paper ribbons

The daisy closes her petals and waits for the sun to return.

All this honesty stuff is great and all, but I can’t let the last post sit at the top for long. I don’t mind it being there, but I need to cover it over a little. That can’t be the first thing people see.

I’m working on a new story, anyway. I’m devising something devious. I’m stealing creativity from the hive mind and taking advantage of swarm intelligence.

I feel way more sad than I thought I would. I don’t think it’s true that sadness makes you more creative, unfortunately. It definitely gives me access to different ideas but misery demotivates me a bit. And motivation is extremely important. Intrinsic motivation comes from within; it’s what personally interests you and inspires you to express yourself regardless of external validation. Extrinsic motivation is stuff like wages and deadlines and wanting to please your observer – do they really think this is good? The first is more important than the second but they’re very intertwined because all those outside influences have an effect on the internal ones. Reward might make you work a bit harder, while lack of approval might make you lose interest.

We’re all creative though. Even you, who reads the words but never writes any. And we’re more creative when we work together, which is pretty annoying when I prefer being on my own. If you hide yourself away, then how will you discover new ideas or find out whether the ones you had were really any good? The most important creative relationships you will find are the ones with people who you can learn from and the ones with people who can evaluate how well you’re doing.

Everyone else is a target.

My emotions don’t motivate me, regardless of whether I’m sad or happy. What does keep me going when I feel awful is that I know it’ll make a good story eventually, so I look through old memories and it starts to come together.

So many questions and so many things I want to say to you. I ruin everything and I’m sick of it.

I’m half-crazy and you’re good as gold.

13 thoughts on “Paper ribbons

  1. “What does keep me going when I feel awful is that I know it’ll make a good story eventually, so I look through old memories and it starts to come together.”

    For some reason this reminds me of Wordsworth’s idea:

    “I have said that poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquillity: the emotion is contemplated till, by a species of reaction, the tranquillity gradually disappears, and an emotion, kindred to that which was before the subject of contemplation, is gradually produced, and does itself actually exist in the mind.”

    1. That’s a wonderful quote. It’s why I’m writing so much about events from a decade ago – it’s taken me this long to be able to recollect them ‘in tranquillity’. I can’t analyse feelings very well when I’m still in the middle of experiencing them.

  2. For me, that’s the best time to write – while you’re in the middle of it. Whatever ‘it’ is. For me, it has the effect of mostly removing the experience and putting it on the page or screen. I’m here, it’s there. And if I want to experience it again, I can read the words, but I can control when and where that is.

    1. Oh, I can write – but for me, that doesn’t really remove anything. It heightens it, if anything. And then what I write comes out highly charged and kind of blinkered because all I can work with is what I’m experiencing at any given moment and I’m pretty unstable at times.

      As you say though, if I write it down while I’m in the moment then I can return to it and re-live it later when I’ve regained control. That’s what some of this is: analysis after the fact, when I can look back and take more things into account than I could when I was actually experiencing the events.

        1. It does, definitely. And thank you!

          (Sorry for taking ages to reply, by the way – all my recent comments were sent to spam for some reason)

          1. Mine are always very flattering. Perhaps that’s why your comments got eaten – Akismet saw you being nice to me and came to the conclusion you couldn’t possibly be real.

  3. You seem the kind soul. Your life story, your sharing it, is a good thing. I feel like reading your life, often times puts mine into perspective. I don’t mean in a wow, my life isn’t so bad compared to hers sort of way. 😉

    I mean, reading much of it, I can relate, and even with experiences I don’t relate to per say, I can empathize and learn. I’m prob not expressing this very well (which is odd because I’m usually much better with words) still, know I enjoy reading what you write.

    You are making a hell of a story. Never forget, and always keep writing!

    Cheers! ^_^

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