Fading light

Sleep feels so good. I should have known better than to stop. I only started staying up late because I enjoyed the conversations but it breaks my brain. I should probably lay off the bad drugs and start taking the good drugs again.

I didn’t mention any of this to him.

I probably should have. And when he said, ‘Perhaps that was a mistake, I’m in a relationship,’ I probably should have said, ‘Yes, me too,’ instead of keeping up the lie.

Screw the thunder, Daddy. Let me play with fucking fire while I’m sitting on the bridge.

Nobody – NOBODY – gets to read what I write until I’m done with it. I will snatch notebooks away from you; I will stash notes in places people won’t look. I’m never letting anyone get close again. I will write what I damn well please. You’re going to have to take that little bit of betrayal, see it for the insurance it is and trust me.

It’s not writer’s block. I’m fucking frightened, alright? I pour my heart out and explain numerous times that I’m crazy and broken and tormented and hurt and the person reading it picks out all the places they think I’ve left clandestine slips of the tongue about them because having my kind of love is just so totally and completely awful.

Except. I don’t fucking love you and I never ever have. I wanted to fake it so I could pretend I knew what it was like. Do you think I’m even capable of love? Every word I said is one I thought you would like to hear. I was doing so well for a while but my bad side can’t be playful all the time. I don’t care anymore. I just want to sleep.
Sweet dreams… I gave up dreaming.

The story destroyer.

She stood bleeding on the ledge, on the edge, and stared out at the city lights sparkling across the river. The world was calm, and quiet. A lifetime of desolation was eating her away inside, and she had spent so long lashing out at the world that no one was left to tell her that everything was going to be fine.

A man in a suit passed by behind her. She turned her head to look at him, hopefully. ‘Stop being so obsessed with me,’ he said.

‘I don’t even know who you are,’ she thought, and stepped off the ledge.

She continued to watch the flowing water.

38 thoughts on “Fading light

    1. I’m sitting under a thundercloud at the minute, it’s why I haven’t written anything for a few days… But it’ll lift, I’m sure. I’m sorry that you can relate to my more horrible thoughts, though 🙁

    1. This is what happens when I write in the moment… I guess it’s not a very good place at this particular moment 🙁

        1. Well, no. I’m struggling, massively, and badly… This is all just distraction from the real horrible things I’m dealing with.

          1. Ah, I tried to delete that comment before you had a chance to respond… I’m okay, really. I’ve just been overthinking stupid thoughts.

          2. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I was mad at myself but I feel much calmer now. A game might be good for switching off my mind, though…

          3. I’m definitely not thinking about doing any more of that right now. I’m doing okay at the minute 🙂

  1. Wow! You’re personality is stunning, I can feel it. You’re so real and magnificent. Turn your pain into art , you’re inspiring. You could write a great book

    1. Wow back at you! Thank you for leaving such a positive comment – you’ve made me really happy 🙂 I am planning on writing a book, but it’ll be fiction – the stuff on here is more like therapy for me and there’s still so much more to work through before I can even think about doing something with it all! But thank you for believing I can do it 🙂

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