Internet suicide is painless

Put me out of my misery… (not everything is about you).

She used to say, ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.’ I wonder what she would have said if she hadn’t followed that advice herself. I’m sure she would have had a lot to say to me.

I have nothing to say right now, nice or otherwise. I’m too drained to talk to anyone, even the people I care most about. I’ve let a lot of people down recently. I know this, yet I can’t find the words to make it up to them.

A newcomer to a chorus line of understudies. I’ve been too eager. I didn’t realise I was stepping on their toes. I will bow out graciously, I just need someone to direct me offstage. I never wanted the main part, anyway. All I wanted was for someone I cared about to tell me that I’m not totally fucking awful.

I misunderstood something important and I wasn’t corrected but now it must feel like it’s too late in the game to explain it to me. I misunderstood because I chose to believe what I wanted to hear, and because realising one thing was a lie would mean having to work out what else was a lie as well.

Perhaps I’ve been kidding myself all along. If events brought closer proximity, I would be a second choice – if I was lucky. If I was given any thought at all. And I simply can’t function as an afterthought. But, as I say, I didn’t realise. I wouldn’t be my first choice either.

I wish I didn’t care, and I wish I could just keep my words to myself. Considering the state of my wishes, I have no business meddling in the wishes of others.

Or perhaps I should stop caring and just exist solely as a genie, nothing more. I’ll make my words disappear in a puff of smoke.

There is nothing special or meaningful to look at here, only cloudiness and imperspicuity. I did try, though. I’m still trying and I don’t know why, because it’s so obvious I’ve done something wrong. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, because all of a sudden it’s become really fucking cold around here. It hurts and my heart aches with shame.

I was lying to myself.
And you too, I guess.

I honestly only have nice things to say about you. I would have rewritten reality so that I could show you how you look when viewed through my eyes – and my eyes take in a lot more than you realise. There’s something extraordinary about you, and I think you know this.

You were right about many things. I hope I can still trust you, even now.

In the wake of all the late-night conversations that got us off to sleep, I hope you know that I wasn’t faking any of it.

It all started on a Thursday.

11 thoughts on “Internet suicide is painless

    1. I hope I come across as sincere, but sometimes I think it’s hard to tell – especially when the words are being read off a screen, and even more so when it’s late at night and I’m not being very eloquent.

        1. Uh oh… I’m not actually that great when it comes to grammar! If I make any glaring errors, then please don’t take that to mean I’m not being sincere. But if I resort to text-speak then something is definitely up.

  1. You are an intriguing soul, and you are also way too hard on yourself. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, know that when you read this, I as those previous commenters have already done, was taking the time out of my late night, to say hello and to comment because I (pardon my language) fucking care.

    Yep, I fucking care. How are those for 3 words. 😉

    It is true I often find myself on your blog regardless, but in the time I have taken in the past to read what I have read thus far of your blog, I have found I care. I don’t know if I’m making sense but know I do. I’m sure the other souls who took the time long before me to get to this entry also care.

    I quite often read the other comments on your blog, and I have found people care, we care.

    That is my point in this. Just know you are cared about probably more than you know by many. Even if someone on here came onto this blog and said they detested you, they still cared, because they cared enough to tell you that. 😉

    Though I hope no one would do such a horrible thing.

    Cheers! ^_^

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