Slight lamentation

I am so sick of myself
So I know how you must feel.
Just file me under ‘et cetera’
And move on, move along.

So many things I can’t say.
I betrayed myself.
I let someone in
And I promised myself I wouldn’t do that.
A broken promise to myself
Is just as bad
As all the promises I broke [I’m breaking]
To you.

I think this is the first time
I have ever felt so bad
For wanting something
I can never have.
(but this is the price I pay –
it comes eventually,
it’s just worse this time [but why?])

Maybe falling in love with someone real would be easier on the heart
But the repair marks on my wrists disagree.
Scars join up my freckles
Like sickening constellations
And my new favourite scar
Is nowhere to be seen.

Imagination is never quite enough.
You can daydream about all the fucking
And the tenderness you like
But all I have in reality are the circles I talk in,
The violence I swallow
And the tissues with multicoloured issues.

No more photographs
Because I’m no oil painting.
I’m a broken Polaroid
That you can’t quite shake.

I’m gritting my teeth
From lack of sleep,
And loss of appetite
And my heart trying to tear through my throat.

I just don’t know what to do.
I have outstayed my welcome.
I have said too much
And everything I say is so fucking bad.
You can change the daydream
From lying on a bed of roses
To one of me bleeding out
On a rusty bed of nails.

My lamentation is for every loss I’ve mentioned
That isn’t worth talking about again.
I’m on bail awaiting sentencing
For the crime of indecent exposure.

I’m sorry that you got caught up in the iridescence of my storms.
I wanted to paint you and share your light.
I wanted to irisate you
But I just irritate.

10 thoughts on “Slight lamentation

  1. Oh my darling! I can resonate with this. This nearly made me cry but please give yourself more credit for who you are. Your words alone show me how strong ,courageous and truly beautiful you are inside. Free yourself from your cage xxx

    1. Oh wow. Thank you. I genuinely struggle with compliments – or people being nice in general – so I find it hard to know what to say when someone is so kind to me! I don’t feel like any of those things, but I feel a lot less hopeless than before. And things are getting better – the cage door is open, at least šŸ™‚ So thank you again – I truly appreciate it.xx

  2. I understand a little, I used to “cut” in desperation thinking somehow it would help but of course it did not, one just “cuts” and never feels the pain. Hoping one day all will be sorted, is it ever?

    1. I’m sorry to hear that. I used to be really bad with it… I still relapse from time to time but nothing like before – like you say, it’s more of a desperation thing. And no, I don’t think it ever gets truly sorted.

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