I’ve been trying to navigate my way through my brain fog with only normal light to guide me. I have a much better light to see me through but I’ve been scared to turn it back on because it dazzled us all last time.
But who wants to daydream in dipped beam luminosity?
And why should anyone have to?
I haven’t been sleeping enough. I haven’t been eating enough. Sometimes this turns me into a maniac of productivity, but recently it’s made all the minutes and hours and days blur into each other and I don’t know where I am. I write on here and then a week passes and I honestly don’t know what happened.
My thoughts scatter. There’s so much I want to tell you; things that I’ve remembered and thought about as I lie in the dark, my mind deflecting the punches of sleepiness until it just can’t keep up the fight anymore. My eyes open a few hours later and I’m expected to be a normal person, doing normal things, surrounded by a world full of normal people keeping each other’s normality in check.
There is nothing normal about any of this.
I wish I could take back all the words I said and write you something new.
…but I can’t. The words are there forever, now. And once they’ve been written and sent on their way, I no longer have any control over them. I can’t stop them being read or misread or misused. I only have this moment right now, where I have to express myself correctly or risk immortalising mistruth or misunderstanding.
And I’m so unsure of myself.
Is that something that needs to change? Constant questioning is certainly exhausting but I’m not sure it’s something I want to give up.