Taking notes only worked for a month. Then my notebook just became another collection of blank pages for me to stare at and worry over.
So, in case you were wondering where I’ve been: I’ve been sat quietly, stuck inside my own head. I don’t really know where I’ve been. September only really exists in scribbles.
I’m struggling with my thoughts. I have no means of escapism. Perhaps I should have never shared what’s going on in here. Perhaps I should have let it be nothing more than the moving pictures of a world within my mind.
And I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do this. Lost my voice, so to speak.
I can feel myself slipping as it gets closer.
And it shouldn’t matter. These are just more days from the calendar of my life. Except notable days have information indelibly printed on to them, like bank holidays of grief. Like I must remember those days, or I’m a failure.
I feel like I’m stuck playing the role of a tragic character who must carry their burden for all of eternity but then you find out they’re doing it by choice and no one wanted this life for anyone.
Except I need a plot twist. I need a way to make everything okay; for some kind of dénouement to end the scene so I can start a new story. I’m stuck living the same thing over and over, no matter where I go or what I do or how I try to be. With no available means of escape, it’s simply too exhausting.
I can feel myself fading as my daydreams get further away.
I’m so fucking scared of falling apart again. You’d think each time would make me stronger, but I’m just a fractured mannequin whose fragments are held together with cheap glue. One knock – either too hard or at a weak point – could break me apart completely. And how would we ever fix that? Who would even want to bother?
I’m trying. I threw myself in at the deep end but I’m barely treading water and I’m so damn tired. It’s so much easier to float away quietly.
Or just let myself sink.
My grandad once told me that you go under three times before you drown.
Please, please, save me from this.
Let me have my little dream.
All the best answers come to me when I’m in my own little world.
And I know that’s so sad, and incredibly lonely…
But as long as I have that little world,
Just sitting there for whenever I need a break from this one,
I can truly cope with anything.
It’s where the magic comes from, you see.