Bottled up

Pull the blindfold over your eyes
Tape your own mouth shut
Carefully pull on the end
of the rope that you placed
around your arms ’til it’s tight.
“Oh no,” you think. “I’m trapped.”

Is this:
› an exercise in self-control?
› you patiently awaiting your rescue?
› an example of self-deceit?

Maybe it’s none of these.

Maybe you’re like me –
who, upon being rescued,
begs to be put right back again.
“I can’t leave,” I say. “I’m trapped.”
and I tie myself tight.

<Insert three paragraphs of self-doubt, too depressing to be published>

The closer we get, the worse the fallout
I will try to protect your heart
by removing my own;
failing to see that I single-handedly fulfilled my own prophecy.
By trying to avoid the pain I believed I’d cause you,
I inflicted sympathy pain for my self-injury.

There has to be another way.

It doesn’t make sense that the future
is dependent on my thoughts
but if your belief is strong enough
it shapes everything you do.

Do you:
› put me back, leave me alone?
› take me with you, suffer horribly?
› stop for a moment, and think?

Your strength and defenses are no match
for my special powers of self-destruction.
Self-awareness does not equate to a solution.
So I can save us by pushing you away
but then I’m denying you of something that could one day make you happy
and that seems just as cruel.

“So you see,” I say,
pulling at the blindfold,
“I need to stay here
until I’m no longer too scared to love you.”
And I can’t see the look in your eyes
as you help me tie myself up.

7 thoughts on “Bottled up

  1. Use your powers of self-destruction to destroy the parts of you that fulfill self-fulfilling prophecies. Then, destroy fear, and let yourself be happy. Everyone is worthy of love. Everyone. 🙂

    1. You make it sound so easy! I’m trying to let myself be happy but I’m an accidental saboteur… I accept myself more and don’t hate myself as much as I used to, so it’s a start. It’s such a long way to the top when you’re starting from the bottom though. I’ll get there eventually 🙂 x

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