Post tense

I haven’t had the energy to write recently. Last month was tiring. I’m still recovering from my hospital day trip and, to be honest, I’m still recovering from last month’s unexpected outpouring of emotion. It’s draining writing something like that. The whole process of revisiting past events and trying to dissect them and analyse them is really fucking hard sometimes. On top of that, there’s the anxiety of how it’s going to be received – are people going to want to talk about it? I don’t want to talk about it.

I worry a lot. About everything. I worry about the things I do, and I worry about the things I don’t do.

I’ve been worried about the fact I haven’t written recently, and I’ve been worried about the fact that I seem to have lost the ability to engage in meaningful dialogue with people. I never used to take so long to respond to comments and emails but something changed over the last year and now it makes me panic. I don’t know why. I avoid it without meaning to. All I am capable of right now is the most superficial kind of interaction. I mean everything I say, I just seem to shy away from actually saying it. Saying anything, in fact.

I feel guilty about it.

I tell myself that it doesn’t have to be some huge intense blog post. Just writing anything will do, as long as some kind of thought – however brief – goes into it. It’s not like every post has to be a 2000-word essay that invokes some demon from my past.

But hang on – actually, yes, it does need to be something important. This isn’t some shitty lifestyle blog. I’m not going to write the same fucking crap that everyone else writes just to get more people to visit. That was never the point of this. The point of this blog was for me to organise my mind; to record my narrative and try to make sense of it; to show other people going through the same kind of crap that they’re not really alone. It would be going against what I originally intended if I started writing nail varnish tutorials or giving health advice.

Besides, I’m trash. My lifestyle isn’t one anyone would want to emulate. Perhaps if I get really hard up for something to write then I could start doing posts such as ‘Top ten ways to hide the fact you’re really stoned’ or ‘Interesting things you can do with prescription medication’ or ‘Exciting things to do with toast that don’t involve things like avocado because I can’t afford that’ but who really wants to read that?

The truth is, I just haven’t been up to very much lately. I’ve been tired and ill and I just haven’t felt like writing anything that isn’t to do with my course. And I’m sorry, even though perhaps I ought not to be.

For now, what I’m going to do is this: I’m going to turn comments off on new posts until I’m ready to be a bit more swift with my responses. You can still contact me but just be aware that it might take me a while to respond. I’m doing stupid shit like reading what other people are writing on their own blogs but not interacting because I don’t want to start a conversation in case I haven’t got the mental energy to see it through. I need to break these habits. I’m also going to be changing the layout of the site soon to make it a bit more readable. The current layout is annoying me and it isn’t helping. I’m also going to add a couple of pages. I’ll try to do this over the next few days so if the whole site goes down or something then just assume I’ve been fucking with the code and it’ll be back up soon enough.

So that’s it. The boring update about the lack of updates that doesn’t really tell you anything important or useful.

I will pull myself out of this. There’s a cloud over my head and it keeps threatening to rain but it’s just that time of year again. Winter never had many happy memories and as the years have passed I’ve only added more sad ones. There are so many anniversaries but there aren’t many happy ones. But it will pass.

The ghost of Christmas past is nothing but a memory.