So, hello. As you can see by the new layout/name/everything, I had some expert-level procrastination to get out of the way before I could start writing again. There’s still some stuff to do (writing all the pages, fixing all the bugs, editing ~500 comments, etc.) but I think it’s mostly out of my system now.
However, I have learnt a few things recently. I have learnt that I should never explain myself, because it inevitably just makes everything worse. I have come to the conclusion that it is much better to leave things ambiguous and possibly salvageable than it is to just keep digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. I never achieve clarity; all I do is make the other person think I’m crazier than I really am.
I have also learnt that I am not a mind-reader. You would think this one would be fucking obvious but I must have missed that particular CBT session because I literally had to have an epiphany to get it to sink in. When I think about talking to someone else, I imagine how they will reply – this then influences what I end up actually saying to them. It only just occurred to me that my imaginary reply is what I would probably say, and because the other person is not me, they react/reply differently. As I say, you’d think this would be obvious – and it bloody well is now – but it took me a while to get there.
I have also learnt that I need to take my medication because without it I can’t think properly. I was worried about the side-effects so I stopped taking it for a few weeks and became even more unchill than I usually am, and managed to ruin something that was really quite nice by over-thinking absolutely every aspect of it – even the aspects which were totally non-existent, which is pretty impressive in its ridiculousness.
I’m really quite talented, in a terrible way.
Finally, I have learnt that I need to stop putting things off because I never end up doing anything at all. I’m surprised I’ve made it this far without figuring this one out, although it does explain an awful lot.
So here we are. Things are getting done. I can think clearly. Things are more organised – possibly in a way that only makes sense to me, but they are more organised all the same. I feel better, kind of.
‘Just chill,’ he said. ‘Don’t over-think it.’
I had absolutely no idea what he meant.